It's incredible (as well as terrifying) what all can happen in 24 hours. One minute you'll be living your life, and then all of a sudden, without your permission your life will change......the last 4 weeks of my life have been a whirlwind, filled with the Holy Spirit, life changing decisions as well as heartache, so let me start from the beginning of the story-then it'll all make sense.
Saturday, October 19th 2013
My team had split up evenly into two groups of four. I had stayed in Delhi those two weeks working at a school for street kids and orphans, they would come to the school Mon-Fri, 8am-3pm and we would feed and bathe them, teach them English and act out Bible skits, I was loving it! but it was exhausting. Saturday was our free day and it was sorely needed. It was just a regular day, we slept in til' 10:00am, walked over to the school and made ourselves breakfast, Around noon we were chatting about what we wanted to do that day, how could I know what was happening to my family on the other side of the World at that same time? but I'm jumping ahead of myself.
We went out and ran errands all day and met back up at the school at dark for dinner, my leader had her phone out and read a text she had just received...."Blue needs to call home immediately, there's a family emergency." my knees locked, and the first thing I thought was "My dad....something happened to my dad...he's dead. Car accident, I know it." I started to panic, I HAD to call home, I grabbed the phone from her and dialed home....it wouldn't go through! I hung up and tried again, the same. I shouted in frustration. One of my team mates suggested that I try to skype call, great idea! but the only problem was I didn't have any wifi at the school, we would have to go back to our rooms we were renting which was a 10 minute walk through town, at night. I paced back and forth in a daze while my team got organized and at last my leader grabbed my hand and led me down the 3 flights of stairs onto the street.
She practically dragged me all the way to our rooms, it was all I could do to keep my legs moving and my eyes clear of tears.....the longer we walked the faster my mind ran through everything that could be wrong..."Janelle has been missing a couple days and no one can find her"........."Dad is in the hospital and paralyzed".....suddenly I snapped back into reality and started speed walking, I almost didn't stop for the oncoming traffic I was so determined to get to the room. We arrived at our building and I ran up the four flights of stairs and found all the lights off on our floor, That wasn't odd, it was always like that when we came back at night, but what WAS odd was that the light switch wasn't working, and we couldn't unlock our door because we couldn't see...I was banging on the door in frustration. It seemed like an eternity before my team mate unlocked the door and I charged in, practically falling to the floor. She tried the lights but they wouldn't turn on, just like the tiny window air conditioner this single room had. She left me in the room to go and try and fix the lights somehow but I hardly noticed, I had my Skype already open, having to stand on the bed holding my Kindle up to the ceiling to try and find the sketchy wifi that was in the building next door. It wasn't loading so I jumped on Facebook and the very first thing I saw was my Dads status reading "My dad had a major heart attack this evening. Don't expect him to make it through the night." I gasped and covered my face with both hands right as the lights flickered on, and that's how my team found me, I couldn't hold the tears anymore, they came.
I still had little knowledge of what was actually going on, but I cried regardless.....I couldn't tell you now if it was out of sadness or relief, maybe a mix of both? My dad was alive, Janelle was fine, but my PawPaw....he wasn't fine.
I needed to speak with my dad, so I tried Skype again and miracle of miracles-it worked. He answered and I started shooting questions right away....but the connection was terrible so he was skipping and I couldn't understand what he was saying until I heard...."I've been......maybe you want to.....funeral." I was so confused until it dawned on me...my PawPaw was dead......I cut my dad off by saying "So...he's gone then?" my dad took a moment to look at me before saying..."yeah, he's gone. around 3:00 this morning." I swallowed the rest of my tears and started talking logistics with him. "I don't know if you want to come home for the funeral or not, I'll need to know soon if you are." "Can I let you know by tomorrow? I need to pray about it." "No, I need to know today-I have a meeting with the funeral home to schedule everything, I can give you a few hours." "Okay dad, I'll let you know in 2 hours. I love you." "I love you too" and then he froze and disappeared .....I was disconnected from my family again.
I stared at my screen blankly for a minute, I had to make a decision for myself....what?! I retold my team mates that were in the room about the situation and that I had to decide if I was going home....they looked as shocked as I was when I found out. They prayed for me and we thought through the pros and cons of both staying or going until finally my brain couldn't handle anymore talking....I went to hide in my room and I locked the door behind me, I pressed my forehead to the door and leaned into it with my eyes locked on the floor..."God" I said out loud "What do you want me to do? Just tell me. I'll stay if you tell me, I need more then just a whisper this time though, not just your 'still small voice' I need something a bit bigger this time. Tell me what you want." I stayed leaning against the door not saying anything with my eyes closed for over 5 minutes, waiting for an answer. I tried keeping my mind open to every option, but I couldn't stop thinking about my family. Finally my mind was too overwhelmed and I had to sit down, I grabbed my leather bound journal and started writing down my situation-I wrote down the brief version, telling myself I would go back later to fill in the details....writing helps me sort out everything and organise my thoughts.
Saturday, October 19th 2013
My team had split up evenly into two groups of four. I had stayed in Delhi those two weeks working at a school for street kids and orphans, they would come to the school Mon-Fri, 8am-3pm and we would feed and bathe them, teach them English and act out Bible skits, I was loving it! but it was exhausting. Saturday was our free day and it was sorely needed. It was just a regular day, we slept in til' 10:00am, walked over to the school and made ourselves breakfast, Around noon we were chatting about what we wanted to do that day, how could I know what was happening to my family on the other side of the World at that same time? but I'm jumping ahead of myself.
We went out and ran errands all day and met back up at the school at dark for dinner, my leader had her phone out and read a text she had just received...."Blue needs to call home immediately, there's a family emergency." my knees locked, and the first thing I thought was "My dad....something happened to my dad...he's dead. Car accident, I know it." I started to panic, I HAD to call home, I grabbed the phone from her and dialed home....it wouldn't go through! I hung up and tried again, the same. I shouted in frustration. One of my team mates suggested that I try to skype call, great idea! but the only problem was I didn't have any wifi at the school, we would have to go back to our rooms we were renting which was a 10 minute walk through town, at night. I paced back and forth in a daze while my team got organized and at last my leader grabbed my hand and led me down the 3 flights of stairs onto the street.
She practically dragged me all the way to our rooms, it was all I could do to keep my legs moving and my eyes clear of tears.....the longer we walked the faster my mind ran through everything that could be wrong..."Janelle has been missing a couple days and no one can find her"........."Dad is in the hospital and paralyzed".....suddenly I snapped back into reality and started speed walking, I almost didn't stop for the oncoming traffic I was so determined to get to the room. We arrived at our building and I ran up the four flights of stairs and found all the lights off on our floor, That wasn't odd, it was always like that when we came back at night, but what WAS odd was that the light switch wasn't working, and we couldn't unlock our door because we couldn't see...I was banging on the door in frustration. It seemed like an eternity before my team mate unlocked the door and I charged in, practically falling to the floor. She tried the lights but they wouldn't turn on, just like the tiny window air conditioner this single room had. She left me in the room to go and try and fix the lights somehow but I hardly noticed, I had my Skype already open, having to stand on the bed holding my Kindle up to the ceiling to try and find the sketchy wifi that was in the building next door. It wasn't loading so I jumped on Facebook and the very first thing I saw was my Dads status reading "My dad had a major heart attack this evening. Don't expect him to make it through the night." I gasped and covered my face with both hands right as the lights flickered on, and that's how my team found me, I couldn't hold the tears anymore, they came.
I still had little knowledge of what was actually going on, but I cried regardless.....I couldn't tell you now if it was out of sadness or relief, maybe a mix of both? My dad was alive, Janelle was fine, but my PawPaw....he wasn't fine.
I needed to speak with my dad, so I tried Skype again and miracle of miracles-it worked. He answered and I started shooting questions right away....but the connection was terrible so he was skipping and I couldn't understand what he was saying until I heard...."I've been......maybe you want to.....funeral." I was so confused until it dawned on me...my PawPaw was dead......I cut my dad off by saying "So...he's gone then?" my dad took a moment to look at me before saying..."yeah, he's gone. around 3:00 this morning." I swallowed the rest of my tears and started talking logistics with him. "I don't know if you want to come home for the funeral or not, I'll need to know soon if you are." "Can I let you know by tomorrow? I need to pray about it." "No, I need to know today-I have a meeting with the funeral home to schedule everything, I can give you a few hours." "Okay dad, I'll let you know in 2 hours. I love you." "I love you too" and then he froze and disappeared .....I was disconnected from my family again.
I stared at my screen blankly for a minute, I had to make a decision for myself....what?! I retold my team mates that were in the room about the situation and that I had to decide if I was going home....they looked as shocked as I was when I found out. They prayed for me and we thought through the pros and cons of both staying or going until finally my brain couldn't handle anymore talking....I went to hide in my room and I locked the door behind me, I pressed my forehead to the door and leaned into it with my eyes locked on the floor..."God" I said out loud "What do you want me to do? Just tell me. I'll stay if you tell me, I need more then just a whisper this time though, not just your 'still small voice' I need something a bit bigger this time. Tell me what you want." I stayed leaning against the door not saying anything with my eyes closed for over 5 minutes, waiting for an answer. I tried keeping my mind open to every option, but I couldn't stop thinking about my family. Finally my mind was too overwhelmed and I had to sit down, I grabbed my leather bound journal and started writing down my situation-I wrote down the brief version, telling myself I would go back later to fill in the details....writing helps me sort out everything and organise my thoughts.
'If I go home I can't come back to India, I love it here so that would suck. I won't be able to graduate with my team and may never see any of them again....or I can stay here and finish outreach, go on the trek in the Himalayas, I'd miss the funeral and never see my PawPaws face again...and not be with my family to support them.....This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to make on my own. Thankfully I have my God to help me.'
At this point it was 9:00 pm and I only had 30 minutes until I had to call my Dad back with an answer. I sat down on my bed and stared out the window, My reflection was looking back at me. I was going to do an experiment, I looked at myself and said aloud "I'm going to stay" and this overwhelming sadness filled me, I noted that and said "I'm going home" and I saw a smile cross over my face and I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding in.
And added to my journal again.
'I want to bring God glory in my final decision, but it occurred to me, He's not going to have less glory depending on what I choose, I don't think it's about where you are or what you're doing so much that brings God glory, it's more about how you deal with things. If I stayed in India and praised God or if I flew home and praised God-He would be honored both ways. I don't believe living in God's will is like walking on a tightrope, perhaps God wants us to make the choice. This is my thought, just like we have the free will to love Him and that's what makes it true love, so is it different with other decisions? If He just told us everything how would that bring Him more glory? Sometimes, being in God's will means that He wants us to be happy and enjoy our decisions-not always, but we CAN make decisions and still be in His will. I have a lot of peace about going home.'
It was time. I had made my decision....now I had to tell everyone. I unlocked my door and stepped out into the dark hallway, I hesitated before opening the door to my leaders room. Was I positive? Yes, I was. I opened the door and took one step in, everyone looked at me at the same time...all I could say was "I'm going home" and that set everyone off. People were talking to me, asking if I was sure and to think of everything I was going to miss. But I had to go-for my family. I called my family and my older sister answered, she started trying to book me a flight as soon as possible, we were battling against the spotty internet and almost no communication with my leaders in Idaho and my family. It was past 10:00 pm and we stayed up waiting to hear if I had a flight until almost 1:00 am.
The other half of our team was coming to meet us the next day and I had my flight booked for that night, my time in India was coming to a close, and fast.
To be continued.
