Living In The Valley. Longing For The Mountain.

The first time I heard the expression "You can't live on the mountain, you have to go down into the valley for awhile." was back in the summer of 2012. My Dad and I were literally on a mountain in New Mexico at the time, so at the time I took that as literal as it seemed.....I had heard it a few times since then-even wrote it into my graduation speech, but it never even occurred to me that it could mean emotionally or spiritually too.

.....Emotional mountains....like when you hear that special someone tell you they love you...or you hold your newborn baby for the first time. As everyone knows, that special someone can have a bad day and take it out on you...and your baby starts to 'know everything' and turns into a high schooler.

.....Spiritual mountains....I, personally tried my best to avoid these growing up. I would never get carried away at church during worship..I NEVER had the desire to go to a church camp OR mission trip, just because the "high" ends. When it would end I would feel worse off then I was before. It was confusing...why wasn't I feeling God anymore? To me it wasn't worth it.

Now, that is precisely the situation I found myself in two weeks after returning from India. "Why Two weeks? Why not right away?"   I know you're all asking that very question. And the answer is as simple as this....I felt left out. I was focusing on ME, ME, ME.

My family situation had quieted down after the funeral. My brothers had gone back to basic training and Hawaii. My sister drove back to Arkansas....the four of us that had to travel to come back home...and I was the only one not traveling back. I was stuck. I was missing my DTS team, they were adventuring through the Himalayan mountains and I was making grocery lists and washing load after load of dirty dishes...this was a valley if ever I experienced one, and it never seemed to end. I felt forgotten and betrayed by God...He had lead me to into this awesome adventure...and it ended prematurely. I thought He was a God of Completion? 

It took me two weeks of being home before the "Post DTS Blues" set in...and they really beat me up. 

In my mind and heart I blamed everything bad that happened on God, and took the good things as coincidence. He wasn't on my side anymore. I couldn't feel Him, I didn't hear Him. I didn't even want to. November, December and January I struggled along feeling everything imaginable. One minute it would be something...the next-polar opposite. I was discouraged and heartbroken, and refused to turn to God for help...looking back now, Pride seems to be a huge issue with me. Yikes.

It got so that I wouldn't even get out of my bed until noon..I didn't see a point to it, everyone was having adventures BUT me. My life bored me. I was numb to most everything. I wasn't advancing in any direction, nothing was fulfilling to me. I was continuously being disappointing by varies things and to top it all off...Jonathan and Nathanael were ALWAYS reminding me and encouraging me to pray and seek the face of God...I never would...so they would gently remind me again...etc...

Until on February 10th, I messed up big time. I couldn't stand it any more, I wrote a letter to God, speaking was too difficult. I told him about my last few months and got everything out on the table with Him. I didn't listen for a response, I just had to take that step to open up communication. And from that things got better...I opened my Bible for the first time in months, I spent time in His presents, I was growing again. I was learning. 

 

I had a few rough times in the next few weeks, but I was still open and honest and communicating with Him...until on February 28th I had a realization.

 

 I was having my quiet time, listening to the song by Bethel Music "Chasing You". I was singing along (as I do) when it hit me...I'm in love...with God...I knew it was true the moment I thought it. I meant every word of this song as I sang it.

" You hide, I want to find You, go
And I will follow You
I want to be where You are

As you move, I'm right beside You, oh
I'm running after You
I want to be where You are

I'm chasing You
I'm so in love
Captivated, I just can't get enough
I'll spend my days
Running after Your heart
Your heart, Your heart, Whoa

I'm chasing You
With all my love
Captivated, I just can't get enough
I'll spend my days
Running after Your heart
Your heart, Your heart, Whoa

Heart, You've won me heart and soul
And where You lead I'll go
I want to be where You are

From the moment I rise, to the moment I sleep
My affection is for You, and even as I dream
I want to know you, I'm after Your heart

This life, this love, was always meant to be
A wild, crazy adventure, discovering
The thrill, the rush, the more of You I see
The more it leaves me wanting
You're everything, You're everything "

 

Song by: Bethel Music

When I was in middle school I decided I would never say "I'm in love with Jesus" because it always felt like such a lie...and it was. I would feel like the girls my age at Church that always ignored me...they always said that, so it left a bad taste in my mouth. But honestly, I didn't know him, I wouldn't have done anything he asked of me....I wouldn't have gone anywhere he told me to. Until now.....I know for a fact that I would. With this realization my heart raced....I have always wanted to say "I'm in love with Jesus" and not feel like a hypocrite, Now I can! I do! and it's wonderful!!! 

 

When I realized that my heart almost burst with joy, (it was a cheesy moment for me) and I wanted to tell everyone! I will tell everyone. Especially when I'm in the valley-because that's where it is hardest. 

I'm in love with Jesus.