My New Mission. Kenya 2014

On the flight from Amsterdam to Nairobi last tuesday evening I took some time and wrote out an entire blog post trying to explain how I decided to come to Africa and the miracles along the way....I haven't posted it. And won't. I'm disappointed  that I haven't blogged more since being here, but I have been trying so hard to put together everything I've seen and heard and felt in the past week....I've journaled every night and I've found my entries are jumbled thoughts filled with emotions I can't comprehend into sensible paragraphs.

I've seen real joy for the first time in my life. And that isn't something I can easily explain off the top of my head. It confused me. Still does....this post isn't going to be a self help "How to access the joy of the Lord in 5 simple steps" it's more to help me sort out what I'm thinking, and as my friends, I want you privy to my thoughts.

I know about the joy of the Lord. I've heard about it, I love knowing it exists....have I ever truly experienced it? I couldn't say. If so,  Definitely not in the magnitude that I've seen in these Africans faces.

If I come back to Georgia only learning one new thing about God and myself and our relationship....would it be worth it to me? Yes, I think it would...but praise God that multiple seeds have been planted in my mind during this first week. Seeds like "is head knowledge of any real value in my Christian life?" "Is my prayer life something  to be more pursued and valued then my social and even physical life?" "What and who am I willing to sacrifice if called to by God?" "Do I really know the truth?" And the biggest running through my head this week...."Do I really believe what I believe is really real?"

These things I will be learning and re-learning I'm sure my entire life...which is awesome and irritating for me. I want to know everything about my God...who he is, what he does.
And I just can't.

This one week in Kenya has been incredible. It's taught me how to live in the moment (which I have never been able to do-I'm always looking ahead in a bad way)
And how to live every moment to the fullest, in taking every opportunity and being mentally all there.

Last night during  my quiet time, I was sitting on my bed with my mosquito net cascading down around me. I have been praying for God to teach me something I didn't know about him. I was listening to Mercy Me' s new song Wishful Thinking and praying...when He spoke back to me, giving me a revelation about who he is....

Everyone knows a little bit about how molecules work and how complicated chemical reactions are in a human body and how many cells die in a minute just to be reproduced with a new cell to be replaced a minute later....I was overwhelmed when my mind was opened to understand that God is holding every cell in my body together for his glory...he holds my life and body together every second of my life....and with this exploding in my mind and Mercy Me' s lyrics booming in my ears...my eyes filled with tears....I have never in all my life felt so loved and valued then in that single moment. My God cares so much  about me to hold me together...to be the provider of every second of life....and now I'm thinking, my mission now is to learn how to take every second he holds me together to thank him in every second he gives me.

Living In The Valley. Longing For The Mountain.

The first time I heard the expression "You can't live on the mountain, you have to go down into the valley for awhile." was back in the summer of 2012. My Dad and I were literally on a mountain in New Mexico at the time, so at the time I took that as literal as it seemed.....I had heard it a few times since then-even wrote it into my graduation speech, but it never even occurred to me that it could mean emotionally or spiritually too.

.....Emotional mountains....like when you hear that special someone tell you they love you...or you hold your newborn baby for the first time. As everyone knows, that special someone can have a bad day and take it out on you...and your baby starts to 'know everything' and turns into a high schooler.

.....Spiritual mountains....I, personally tried my best to avoid these growing up. I would never get carried away at church during worship..I NEVER had the desire to go to a church camp OR mission trip, just because the "high" ends. When it would end I would feel worse off then I was before. It was confusing...why wasn't I feeling God anymore? To me it wasn't worth it.

Now, that is precisely the situation I found myself in two weeks after returning from India. "Why Two weeks? Why not right away?"   I know you're all asking that very question. And the answer is as simple as this....I felt left out. I was focusing on ME, ME, ME.

My family situation had quieted down after the funeral. My brothers had gone back to basic training and Hawaii. My sister drove back to Arkansas....the four of us that had to travel to come back home...and I was the only one not traveling back. I was stuck. I was missing my DTS team, they were adventuring through the Himalayan mountains and I was making grocery lists and washing load after load of dirty dishes...this was a valley if ever I experienced one, and it never seemed to end. I felt forgotten and betrayed by God...He had lead me to into this awesome adventure...and it ended prematurely. I thought He was a God of Completion? 

It took me two weeks of being home before the "Post DTS Blues" set in...and they really beat me up. 

In my mind and heart I blamed everything bad that happened on God, and took the good things as coincidence. He wasn't on my side anymore. I couldn't feel Him, I didn't hear Him. I didn't even want to. November, December and January I struggled along feeling everything imaginable. One minute it would be something...the next-polar opposite. I was discouraged and heartbroken, and refused to turn to God for help...looking back now, Pride seems to be a huge issue with me. Yikes.

It got so that I wouldn't even get out of my bed until noon..I didn't see a point to it, everyone was having adventures BUT me. My life bored me. I was numb to most everything. I wasn't advancing in any direction, nothing was fulfilling to me. I was continuously being disappointing by varies things and to top it all off...Jonathan and Nathanael were ALWAYS reminding me and encouraging me to pray and seek the face of God...I never would...so they would gently remind me again...etc...

Until on February 10th, I messed up big time. I couldn't stand it any more, I wrote a letter to God, speaking was too difficult. I told him about my last few months and got everything out on the table with Him. I didn't listen for a response, I just had to take that step to open up communication. And from that things got better...I opened my Bible for the first time in months, I spent time in His presents, I was growing again. I was learning. 

 

I had a few rough times in the next few weeks, but I was still open and honest and communicating with Him...until on February 28th I had a realization.

 

 I was having my quiet time, listening to the song by Bethel Music "Chasing You". I was singing along (as I do) when it hit me...I'm in love...with God...I knew it was true the moment I thought it. I meant every word of this song as I sang it.

" You hide, I want to find You, go
And I will follow You
I want to be where You are

As you move, I'm right beside You, oh
I'm running after You
I want to be where You are

I'm chasing You
I'm so in love
Captivated, I just can't get enough
I'll spend my days
Running after Your heart
Your heart, Your heart, Whoa

I'm chasing You
With all my love
Captivated, I just can't get enough
I'll spend my days
Running after Your heart
Your heart, Your heart, Whoa

Heart, You've won me heart and soul
And where You lead I'll go
I want to be where You are

From the moment I rise, to the moment I sleep
My affection is for You, and even as I dream
I want to know you, I'm after Your heart

This life, this love, was always meant to be
A wild, crazy adventure, discovering
The thrill, the rush, the more of You I see
The more it leaves me wanting
You're everything, You're everything "

 

Song by: Bethel Music

When I was in middle school I decided I would never say "I'm in love with Jesus" because it always felt like such a lie...and it was. I would feel like the girls my age at Church that always ignored me...they always said that, so it left a bad taste in my mouth. But honestly, I didn't know him, I wouldn't have done anything he asked of me....I wouldn't have gone anywhere he told me to. Until now.....I know for a fact that I would. With this realization my heart raced....I have always wanted to say "I'm in love with Jesus" and not feel like a hypocrite, Now I can! I do! and it's wonderful!!! 

 

When I realized that my heart almost burst with joy, (it was a cheesy moment for me) and I wanted to tell everyone! I will tell everyone. Especially when I'm in the valley-because that's where it is hardest. 

I'm in love with Jesus.

India: An Unexpected Journey part 1.

It's incredible (as well as terrifying) what all can happen in 24 hours. One minute you'll be living your life, and then all of a sudden, without your permission your life will change......the last 4 weeks of my life have been a whirlwind, filled with the Holy Spirit, life changing decisions as well as heartache, so let me start from the beginning of the story-then it'll all make sense.

Saturday, October 19th 2013

My team had split up evenly into two groups of four. I had stayed in Delhi those two weeks working at a school for street kids and orphans, they would come to the school Mon-Fri, 8am-3pm and we would feed and bathe them, teach them English and act out Bible skits, I was loving it! but it was exhausting. Saturday was our free day and it was sorely needed. It was just a regular day, we slept in til' 10:00am, walked over to the school and made ourselves breakfast, Around noon we were chatting about what we wanted to do that day, how could I know what was happening to my family on the other side of the World at that same time? but I'm jumping ahead of myself.

We went out and ran errands all day and met back up at the school at dark for dinner, my leader had her phone out and read a text she had just received...."Blue needs to call home immediately, there's a family emergency." my knees locked, and the first thing I thought was "My dad....something happened to my dad...he's dead. Car accident, I know it." I started to panic, I HAD to call home, I grabbed the phone from her and dialed home....it wouldn't go through! I hung up and tried again, the same. I shouted in frustration. One of my team mates suggested that I try to skype call, great idea! but the only problem was I didn't have any wifi at the school, we would have to go back to our rooms we were renting which was a 10 minute walk through town, at night. I paced back and forth in a daze while my team got organized and at last my leader grabbed my hand and led me down the 3 flights of stairs onto the street.

 She practically dragged me all the way to our rooms, it was all I could do to keep my legs moving and my eyes clear of tears.....the longer we walked the faster my mind ran through everything that could be wrong..."Janelle has been missing a couple days and no one can find her"........."Dad is in the hospital and paralyzed".....suddenly I snapped back into reality and started speed walking, I almost didn't stop for the oncoming traffic I was so determined to get to the room. We arrived at our building and I ran up the four flights of stairs and found all the lights off on our floor, That wasn't odd, it was always like that when we came back at night, but what WAS odd was that the light switch wasn't working, and we couldn't unlock our door because we couldn't see...I was banging on the door in frustration. It seemed like an eternity before my team mate unlocked the door and I charged in, practically falling to the floor. She tried the lights but they wouldn't turn on, just like the tiny window air conditioner this single room had. She left me in the room to go and try and fix the lights somehow but I hardly noticed, I had my Skype already open, having to stand on the bed holding my Kindle up to the ceiling to try and find the sketchy wifi that was in the building next door. It wasn't loading so I jumped on Facebook and the very first thing I saw was my Dads status reading "My dad had a major heart attack this evening. Don't expect him to make it through the night."  I gasped and covered my face with both hands right as the lights flickered on, and that's how my team found me, I couldn't hold the tears anymore, they came.

I still had little knowledge of what was actually going on, but I cried regardless.....I couldn't tell you now if it was out of sadness or relief, maybe a mix of both? My dad was alive, Janelle was fine, but my PawPaw....he wasn't fine.

I needed to speak with my dad, so I tried Skype again and miracle of miracles-it worked. He answered and I started shooting questions right away....but the connection was terrible so he was skipping and I couldn't understand what he was saying until I heard...."I've been......maybe you want to.....funeral." I was so confused until it dawned on me...my PawPaw was dead......I cut my dad off by saying "So...he's gone then?" my dad took a moment to look at me before saying..."yeah, he's gone. around 3:00 this morning." I swallowed the rest of my tears and started talking logistics with him. "I don't know if you want to come home for the funeral or not, I'll need to know soon if you are." "Can I let you know by tomorrow? I need to pray about it." "No, I need to know today-I have a meeting with the funeral home to schedule everything, I can give you a few hours." "Okay dad, I'll let you know in 2 hours. I love you." "I love you too" and then he froze and disappeared .....I was disconnected from my family again.

I stared at my screen blankly for a minute, I had to make a decision for myself....what?! I retold my team mates that were in the room about the situation and that I had to decide if I was going home....they looked as shocked as I was when I found out. They prayed for me and we thought through the pros and cons of both staying or going until finally my brain couldn't handle anymore talking....I went to hide in my room and I locked the door behind me, I pressed my forehead to the door and leaned into it with my eyes locked on the floor..."God" I said out loud "What do you want me to do? Just tell me. I'll stay if you tell me, I need more then just a whisper this time though, not just your 'still small voice' I need something a bit bigger this time. Tell me what you want." I stayed leaning against the door not saying anything with my eyes closed for over 5 minutes, waiting for an answer. I tried keeping my mind open to every option, but I couldn't stop thinking about my family. Finally my mind was too overwhelmed and I had to sit down, I grabbed my leather bound journal and started writing down my situation-I wrote down the brief version, telling myself I would go back later to fill in the details....writing helps me sort out everything and organise my thoughts.

'If I go home I can't come back to India, I love it here so that would suck. I won't be able to graduate with my team and may never see any of them again....or I can stay here and finish outreach, go on the trek in the Himalayas, I'd miss the funeral and never see my PawPaws face again...and not be with my family to support them.....This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to make on my own. Thankfully I have my God to help me.'

At this point it was 9:00 pm and I only had 30 minutes until I had to call my Dad back with an answer. I sat down on my bed and stared out the window, My reflection was looking back at me. I was going to do an experiment, I looked at myself and said aloud "I'm going to stay" and this overwhelming sadness filled me, I noted that and said "I'm going home" and I saw a smile cross over my face and I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding in. 

And added to my journal again. 

'I want to bring God glory in my final decision, but it occurred to me, He's not going to have less glory depending on what I choose, I don't think it's about where you are or what you're doing so much that brings God glory, it's more about how you deal with things. If I stayed in India and praised God or if I flew home and praised God-He would be honored both ways. I don't believe living in God's will is like walking on a tightrope, perhaps God wants us to make the choice. This is my thought, just like we have the free will to love Him and that's what makes it true love, so is it different with other decisions? If He just told us everything how would that bring Him more glory? Sometimes, being in God's will  means that He wants us to be happy and enjoy our decisions-not always, but we CAN make decisions and still be in His will. I have a lot of peace about going home.' 

It was time. I had made my decision....now I had to tell everyone. I unlocked my door and stepped out into the dark hallway, I hesitated before opening the door to my leaders room. Was I positive? Yes, I was. I opened the door and took one step in, everyone looked at me at the same time...all I could say was "I'm going home" and that set everyone off. People were talking to me, asking if I was sure and to think of everything I was going to miss. But I had to go-for my family. I called my family and my older sister answered, she started trying to book me a flight as soon as possible, we were battling against the spotty internet and almost no communication with my leaders in Idaho and my family. It was past 10:00 pm and we stayed up waiting to hear if I had a flight until almost 1:00 am. 

The other half of our team was coming to meet us the next day and I had my flight booked for that night, my time in India was coming to a close, and fast.  

   

To be continued. 

Hell Is A Place, And Lust Is The Taste.

HELL IS A PLACE, AND LUST IS THE TASTE. 

"Outstretched hands line the streets 

Dirty clothes and little feet.

Shouting heard from every corner

A baby dies and no one mourns her.

With flies in her eyes she lies still

escaping the fate that was not her will.

Never was her body ever regarded 

It made it so easy to be discarded." 

-Jennifer reece

I've been in Jaipur, India for 7 days now. Everyday I see something, or experience something new and different. Some good, some painful. I wish I had never seen most of it-because  now there is no room in my life for ignorance, like there was before. I can't UN-see. 

This afternoon my whole team went to the mall in town for lunch, of course I chose Subway for my main dish, and for dessert I crossed the cafeteria floor and ordered a McDonald's Oreo Blizzard, which I thoroughly enjoyed. 

Eating lunch was half of the adventure in going out, the other half was trying to negotiate prices with the rickshaw drivers for driving us back  to our house, that part I opted to sit out of the arguing back and forth between a hoard of men.....but I had my own challenge to face, literally. 

I had taken a step back from the excitement, happily watching and listening-not getting involved, when I heard a voice behind me and felt a light tap on my right shoulder, I turned around quickly, expecting one of my team mates with a sarcastic comment or observation they wanted to point out, but I was caught off guard and instinctively took a step back from the nightmare standing 2 feet away from me. 

I couldn't take in the situation all at once, I let my eyes roam over the lady. She stood a few inches shorter then me, she was wrapped up in a dirty sari, no shoes on her feet, I took a guess that she was in her mid 30's. I noticed that she was holding out her hand to me and saying something, of course I hardly speak 5 words in Hindi, and she wasn't using any of them I knew, so I shook my head told her "Sorry, I don't speak any Hindi." She gave me a blank  stare and continued holding out her hand, repeating whatever  it was she said.

I didn't know what else to do, so I meant to walk away and go stand with my group (who were still arguing prices) but before I turned my back I glanced at the baby she had on her hip, it had been there the whole time but for some reason I hadn't paid it any of my attention, but I did now. 

Once my eyes were focused on it, my ears clogged up, I couldn't hear the honking horns from the street only a few yards from where I was, I couldn't hear the constant dogs barking or even the woman holding the kid, I saw her lips moving but no sounds registered for me. The only thing going through my head then was "Oh my gosh.....this isn't real. God tell me this isn't real!"  My heart sped up, my tongue went numb and my feet were frozen where they were.   

What  I saw I had only seen  a few times on television, and it made the McDonalds Blizzard turn sour in my stomach. This baby couldn't have been older then 2 months, yet it didn't really look like a baby at all, it's head was huge in comparison with it's body. It had its eyes closed but it's head was bobbing slightly up and down as if it couldn't keep its head up any longer. Its cheeks were hollow, and its toes looked like they had been broken and grown back twisted and gnarled, even though they weren't very large to begin with. Then I noticed something else, that it had a grip of its mothers clothes in its fist, but it wasn't that....what was it? I looked closer and saw its hands, I could see every bone poking through the skin, and that's when the fullest revelation hit me and I had to look at the baby all at one time....not just in parts, and what I saw is burned into my memory, I was haunted by it the entire day and will be for months....perhaps the rest of my life.

 I saw death. I saw a tiny skeleton. I saw everything that I hate about India, as well as everything that I want to change about India. This baby didn't choose this life, this cruel existence. Thinking through these things makes me sick, and angry.

As I climbed into the rickshaw (we finally agreed on) I was in shock, my mind was still on the Woman with the skeleton baby....I looked back over my shoulder but they were gone. The ride home was bumpy and jerky, but I was glad for that....that way no one would notice my crying. I felt dead inside, my eyes glazed over and filled with tears. I stared straight ahead the whole way home.

The second we pulled up to our house I bolted up the stairs to my room, I wanted to hide. I had to get away from India. I had to forget that baby.....but the more I tried to erase the images, the deeper they burned. "Forget. forget. forget." I thought over and over while I rocked back and forth on my bed with my head in my hands. It was just making it worse so I gave in, I sat and stared at the floor with dead eyes for 10 minutes thinking to myself "what did I just see?! why didn't I do anything!?!" 

I wish I could tell you that I now have a deep burning passion to save India from all the evil stuff, but I really don't.
But let me ask you a question, is it too much to ask for that babies don't turn into living skeletons? and is there maybe something we can do about it? 

The Difference A Perspective Makes

There is something special that we do when we go out on Trail weeks, we do a solo night. One night during the trip we all pack up our gear and hike out of our established campsite in different directions, it's a time for us to be completely alone with God and to be quiet and listen for His voice.
During our kayaking week I learned a lot about the presents of God, so I was extremely excited about my solo night. I prayed often that God would show me something miraculous, to let me experience something life changing!
The afternoon we split up I hiked the furthest away that I was able to, I wanted no distractions, I wanted to make myself available to have a supernatural encounter with God. I set up my sleeping area and began my evening.

As you can see, I have no tent.

I started out by pushing my sleeping effects aside so I was just sitting on the tarp and I began to pray, I humbled myself like I thought would be the best way to, I was praying expectantly for a supernatural experience that night, and every time I opened my eyes I was disappointed that I didn't see Jesus sitting in front of me on the tarp, or even a Angel. So I would close my eyes tighter and believe harder, I thought my faith wasn't strong enough and that process lasted for an hour, until I got so frustrated with myself that I just gave up, I wasn't  feeling God's presents, I wasn't hearing His voice....I was alone out in the middle of nowhere acting like a fool, so I went to sleep early, I was tired of trying so hard and not having my prayers even considered, I prayed that God would change my life forever that night and He didn't......that's what I thought anyway.

For me, that night was miserable, I felt so exposed after the sun went down, I kept imagining a mountain lion attacking me, I was completely taken over with fear, I hid deep in my sleeping bag, shaking and silently crying. And then, I couldn't believe it....but it started to rain....I hurriedly crawled out of my bag to cover all my gear and to fold my tarp over my sleeping bag. The wind began to pick up, blowing my tarp off of me. The last thing I wanted to do at the moment was wrestle with a wet tarp while in my bag.....I spent the entire night holding down the corner of the tarp by my head while it rained on and off. The raindrops on the tarp were so noisy I couldn't have slept even if I wasn't afraid for my life. I watched the sunrise and wished that I was back home in my bed, with a roof over my head instead of a tarp. 

During breakfast and the remainder of that day I felt worthless, I started to believe that prayer didn't actually have any effect In my life, that or God didn't even care to show up. I felt like I had been stood up by God, and it sucked. 

I was in a haze all day, I had been hurt and didn't care to be happy, or even try to be.     

  

That night during lectures I had a realization, maybe God didn't show me any supernatural happenings because I didn't need it, I didn't need a sign to make me believe He exists, and that cheered  me up enough to enjoy the rest of the trip. 

I didn't realize until a few weeks later that he had answered my prayer, He had changed my life forever-He had started his teaching on faith without seeing, and I didn't fail my first exam.

The next trip we went on was backpacking, and I had the chance to try out a new kind of solo night.

I found out that I was seated right in the middle of the chipmunk high way, I made several new friends. They all loved to sit a safe distance away and look and listen to my music. 

Everything I did during my previous solo night I avoided doing this solo night. I hiked until I found a beautiful creek with a small waterfall and sat down and pulled out my ukulele, I started playing it and talking to God, it wasn't a formal prayer, I didn't close my eyes-I didn't have to, I could feel Him, I told Him that I just was going to hang out and play and that He could hang out with me if He wanted to ( I still remembered how lonely I felt during the last night) and the entire evening I could feel Him there, I had so much peace....it was incredible. 

Now I'm learning what it looks like to actually have a personal relationship with God, just hang out with Him and have a nice time! :) 

P.s. 

Maybe He'll even give you a song to write like He did for me?  Who knows what He'll do.

The Decision.

July 22,

The day before my 18th birthday, a monumental occasion. I decided to spend my free time doing as many childish things as I could-between chores, lectures and day dreaming I didn't have much  time, but I took advantage of what little time I seized, so let's begin!

I decided to start it off with a hot cup of homemade hot chocolate (even though it was 85 degrees outside and I was wearing a  hoodie) It was delicious! For my first time making it homemade I thought it was pretty drinkable! 

But it did stir up my mischievous side, all of that chocolate and sugar....

That's me thinking up what I wanted to do that day, what havoc I could muster up in a short period of time. And so I started, I had a few hours until my bedtime-which I obviously hid until someone told me to go to bed. 

 All the things I thought to do before I was inevitably thrust into adulthood.

1.) Build a sand village (I suck at castles apparently)

My original thought for this activity was "sand castle" obviously, much to my dismay I discovered that I do not have much of a talent for construction-that is not a career option for me......but I make an excellent building destroyer! 

So that was a lot of work quickly destroyed. It was worth it though, I got sand all over my hands and in my hair-that was an accident, I just forgot I had sand on my hands after  I finished building one of the houses, I was pretty frustrated with my material so my natural response to stress is to run my hands through my hair and make it spiked up all over the place. 

2.) Pick a bunch of weeds and pretend that they are flowers.

When I was little I would pick things from the field next to our house and bring them to my house and put them in vases on the table, I would always get confused when my "flowers" were gone the next morning. 

3.) Do A Cartwheel 

I did do several cartwheels, I was on the gravel driveway and I cut my hand....and ended up extremely dizzy and sat down for a few minutes-which I'm sure looked silly. 

4.) Climb a tree 

This activity made me ashamed to call myself a child. I couldn't climb a tree for the life of me! I don't know where my talent went, but I don't have it in me any longer 

I just looked pathetic when I tried....

I just gave up after that, just like any kid would. But as the sun was setting on my last day of being 17, and I was walking back to the house I started thinking about everything that had happened to me in the past year, the good, the bad and the painful and I realized that it all had to happen to get me to this exact moment, the moment that I decided that I was ready to be an adult, to leave pig tails and tattle telling behind me. I got to the back door, looked over my should at the sun going down over the river, I smiled and walked inside, closing the door firmly behind me. 

I AM _____.

Our third week of lecture phase has been life changing. Everything built on top of each  other, every lecture brought a new step towards Freedom in who we are In Christ and Forgiveness for lies we've believed about ourselfs. Most of my lies I didn't even realize that they were lies! The Devil's sneaky like that.

The teachers this week prayed "Original Design" over all of the staff and students on Wednesday evening and all day on Thursday. What that is is they pray and ask God how He sees a specific person, how He originally designed them and what their giftings are and then they listen for Him to speak. It's an incredible process, I got the opportunity to do this over a few different people and it is great practice on hearing God's voice, and you get to encourage people at the same time! So it's lots of fun.

One hour was scheduled for each person being prayed over, I was extremely nervous when my time came, I was thinking that God was going to reveal my deep, dark secrets to these ladies and I wouldn't have any control on what was being said about me. I was dead wrong.  I sat down on the couch with one of my leaders, and two of the female teachers and they opened by praying aloud and inviting the Holy Spirit to enter the room and speak my Original Design to them, then I sat in silence for 20 minutes as all three of them continuously prayed and wrote down the things they saw and heard about me on little yellow pages, I didn't want to interrupt of course so I just sat quietly in dread about what they were finding out about me.

Finally the 20 minutes was up and they began to read me the things back, I had 6 pages full of blessings and prophecies read to me and my head was spinning (in a good way) when it was all over. Before it was over they all prayed again about what my strongholds (or obstacles) would be that would keep me from fulfilling all of these things God spoke about me. I already had an idea of what it was-I have known my entire life that fear is my strongest weakness, and that was confirmed by two of the three praying. Fear and intimidation were the spirits that were deeply rooted in me, my other stronghold was a surprise at first, I got self hatred, which I didn't think was relevant to me until I took a moment to consider it and it dawned on me that it was true. I was crushed. I had to get these spirits of fear, intimidation and self hatred out of me. I didn't waste any time with it. After  going to God and severing the ties from them to me I felt so light and free and happy, I couldn't stop smiling and giggling.

Please understand that this isn't me being proud and boastful when I say these things, I'm still learning them myself, but these are the things God said about me and how He sees me...

I AM.....

Bold.
Generous.
Joyful.
A leader who leads with conviction.
Confident.
Passionate.
Used to set captives free.
A teacher.
A power evangelist.
A prophetic evangelist.
A voice of reason.
A woman of authority.
An adventurer.
Fearlessly brave.
A dreamer.
A song writer.
A friend.
A bringer of light & peace.
Creative.
A worshipper in stillness.
Fun loving.
Fierce In love.
An arrow in the hands of God.
Beautifully original.
Extraordinary.
Free spirited.
Determined.
A radiant warrior.
Inspiring.
Gentle.
Sitting with Jesus at the right hand of God.
Helping hands.
Smart.
Wise.
A life giver.
A deep thinker.
A threat to Hell.
A winner.
A high achiever.
A protector.
A shield for the weak.
Loved.
Accepted.
A dancer.
More than I know right now.

Some of these were the complete opposite of what I thought of myself, but now this is how I'm starting to see myself, and its wonderful, there is such freedom in looking through God's eyes. He created me and placed these things inside of me and I am just now acknowledging it. I wish everyone could have this experience like I did.....it has changed my perspective of the world and people. I love it. All we have to do is ask God to tell us what He thinks of us and you might be surprised of how fond He is of you.

What are some of you guys Original Design qualities?