Hell Is A Place, And Lust Is The Taste.

HELL IS A PLACE, AND LUST IS THE TASTE. 

"Outstretched hands line the streets 

Dirty clothes and little feet.

Shouting heard from every corner

A baby dies and no one mourns her.

With flies in her eyes she lies still

escaping the fate that was not her will.

Never was her body ever regarded 

It made it so easy to be discarded." 

-Jennifer reece

I've been in Jaipur, India for 7 days now. Everyday I see something, or experience something new and different. Some good, some painful. I wish I had never seen most of it-because  now there is no room in my life for ignorance, like there was before. I can't UN-see. 

This afternoon my whole team went to the mall in town for lunch, of course I chose Subway for my main dish, and for dessert I crossed the cafeteria floor and ordered a McDonald's Oreo Blizzard, which I thoroughly enjoyed. 

Eating lunch was half of the adventure in going out, the other half was trying to negotiate prices with the rickshaw drivers for driving us back  to our house, that part I opted to sit out of the arguing back and forth between a hoard of men.....but I had my own challenge to face, literally. 

I had taken a step back from the excitement, happily watching and listening-not getting involved, when I heard a voice behind me and felt a light tap on my right shoulder, I turned around quickly, expecting one of my team mates with a sarcastic comment or observation they wanted to point out, but I was caught off guard and instinctively took a step back from the nightmare standing 2 feet away from me. 

I couldn't take in the situation all at once, I let my eyes roam over the lady. She stood a few inches shorter then me, she was wrapped up in a dirty sari, no shoes on her feet, I took a guess that she was in her mid 30's. I noticed that she was holding out her hand to me and saying something, of course I hardly speak 5 words in Hindi, and she wasn't using any of them I knew, so I shook my head told her "Sorry, I don't speak any Hindi." She gave me a blank  stare and continued holding out her hand, repeating whatever  it was she said.

I didn't know what else to do, so I meant to walk away and go stand with my group (who were still arguing prices) but before I turned my back I glanced at the baby she had on her hip, it had been there the whole time but for some reason I hadn't paid it any of my attention, but I did now. 

Once my eyes were focused on it, my ears clogged up, I couldn't hear the honking horns from the street only a few yards from where I was, I couldn't hear the constant dogs barking or even the woman holding the kid, I saw her lips moving but no sounds registered for me. The only thing going through my head then was "Oh my gosh.....this isn't real. God tell me this isn't real!"  My heart sped up, my tongue went numb and my feet were frozen where they were.   

What  I saw I had only seen  a few times on television, and it made the McDonalds Blizzard turn sour in my stomach. This baby couldn't have been older then 2 months, yet it didn't really look like a baby at all, it's head was huge in comparison with it's body. It had its eyes closed but it's head was bobbing slightly up and down as if it couldn't keep its head up any longer. Its cheeks were hollow, and its toes looked like they had been broken and grown back twisted and gnarled, even though they weren't very large to begin with. Then I noticed something else, that it had a grip of its mothers clothes in its fist, but it wasn't that....what was it? I looked closer and saw its hands, I could see every bone poking through the skin, and that's when the fullest revelation hit me and I had to look at the baby all at one time....not just in parts, and what I saw is burned into my memory, I was haunted by it the entire day and will be for months....perhaps the rest of my life.

 I saw death. I saw a tiny skeleton. I saw everything that I hate about India, as well as everything that I want to change about India. This baby didn't choose this life, this cruel existence. Thinking through these things makes me sick, and angry.

As I climbed into the rickshaw (we finally agreed on) I was in shock, my mind was still on the Woman with the skeleton baby....I looked back over my shoulder but they were gone. The ride home was bumpy and jerky, but I was glad for that....that way no one would notice my crying. I felt dead inside, my eyes glazed over and filled with tears. I stared straight ahead the whole way home.

The second we pulled up to our house I bolted up the stairs to my room, I wanted to hide. I had to get away from India. I had to forget that baby.....but the more I tried to erase the images, the deeper they burned. "Forget. forget. forget." I thought over and over while I rocked back and forth on my bed with my head in my hands. It was just making it worse so I gave in, I sat and stared at the floor with dead eyes for 10 minutes thinking to myself "what did I just see?! why didn't I do anything!?!" 

I wish I could tell you that I now have a deep burning passion to save India from all the evil stuff, but I really don't.
But let me ask you a question, is it too much to ask for that babies don't turn into living skeletons? and is there maybe something we can do about it? 

The Difference A Perspective Makes

There is something special that we do when we go out on Trail weeks, we do a solo night. One night during the trip we all pack up our gear and hike out of our established campsite in different directions, it's a time for us to be completely alone with God and to be quiet and listen for His voice.
During our kayaking week I learned a lot about the presents of God, so I was extremely excited about my solo night. I prayed often that God would show me something miraculous, to let me experience something life changing!
The afternoon we split up I hiked the furthest away that I was able to, I wanted no distractions, I wanted to make myself available to have a supernatural encounter with God. I set up my sleeping area and began my evening.

As you can see, I have no tent.

I started out by pushing my sleeping effects aside so I was just sitting on the tarp and I began to pray, I humbled myself like I thought would be the best way to, I was praying expectantly for a supernatural experience that night, and every time I opened my eyes I was disappointed that I didn't see Jesus sitting in front of me on the tarp, or even a Angel. So I would close my eyes tighter and believe harder, I thought my faith wasn't strong enough and that process lasted for an hour, until I got so frustrated with myself that I just gave up, I wasn't  feeling God's presents, I wasn't hearing His voice....I was alone out in the middle of nowhere acting like a fool, so I went to sleep early, I was tired of trying so hard and not having my prayers even considered, I prayed that God would change my life forever that night and He didn't......that's what I thought anyway.

For me, that night was miserable, I felt so exposed after the sun went down, I kept imagining a mountain lion attacking me, I was completely taken over with fear, I hid deep in my sleeping bag, shaking and silently crying. And then, I couldn't believe it....but it started to rain....I hurriedly crawled out of my bag to cover all my gear and to fold my tarp over my sleeping bag. The wind began to pick up, blowing my tarp off of me. The last thing I wanted to do at the moment was wrestle with a wet tarp while in my bag.....I spent the entire night holding down the corner of the tarp by my head while it rained on and off. The raindrops on the tarp were so noisy I couldn't have slept even if I wasn't afraid for my life. I watched the sunrise and wished that I was back home in my bed, with a roof over my head instead of a tarp. 

During breakfast and the remainder of that day I felt worthless, I started to believe that prayer didn't actually have any effect In my life, that or God didn't even care to show up. I felt like I had been stood up by God, and it sucked. 

I was in a haze all day, I had been hurt and didn't care to be happy, or even try to be.     

  

That night during lectures I had a realization, maybe God didn't show me any supernatural happenings because I didn't need it, I didn't need a sign to make me believe He exists, and that cheered  me up enough to enjoy the rest of the trip. 

I didn't realize until a few weeks later that he had answered my prayer, He had changed my life forever-He had started his teaching on faith without seeing, and I didn't fail my first exam.

The next trip we went on was backpacking, and I had the chance to try out a new kind of solo night.

I found out that I was seated right in the middle of the chipmunk high way, I made several new friends. They all loved to sit a safe distance away and look and listen to my music. 

Everything I did during my previous solo night I avoided doing this solo night. I hiked until I found a beautiful creek with a small waterfall and sat down and pulled out my ukulele, I started playing it and talking to God, it wasn't a formal prayer, I didn't close my eyes-I didn't have to, I could feel Him, I told Him that I just was going to hang out and play and that He could hang out with me if He wanted to ( I still remembered how lonely I felt during the last night) and the entire evening I could feel Him there, I had so much peace....it was incredible. 

Now I'm learning what it looks like to actually have a personal relationship with God, just hang out with Him and have a nice time! :) 

P.s. 

Maybe He'll even give you a song to write like He did for me?  Who knows what He'll do.